I sat there in the dark bedroom, on the twin mattress wedged between the wall and the queen mattress that currently served as the boys’ bed. I waited for what was starting to seem like “too long.” Ryan had taken the phone call (the one we had been waiting for) and left the room since we were trying to get the boys to sleep. I prayed with them out loud while we waited for him to return. The prayer I said in my head was much more desperate and pleading than what left my mouth; but as I imagined the potential conversation happening downstairs I knew it was too long to be the ‘good’ one we were hoping for. My phone buzzed. I held my breath as I rocked our newborn in my arms and assured the bigger boys that Dad would be right back. I looked down at my phone to read the text I knew was coming “I didn’t get it.” My heart rate sped up and tears burned the back of my eyes, but I took a deep, shaky breath and carried on with bedtime. I texted a simple “okay, take your time. I’ll get them to sleep.” In the depths of my mind the crushing weight of defeat threatened to win. This was supposed to be it. This was supposed to be the end of a terrible, heart-wrenching road. What in the actual world was God doing to us? How did we even get here?
Our Promised Land
It has now been 18 months since our life as we knew it fell apart. I don’t have a nice pretty bow to wrap our story up with, but I do have a very clear picture of God’s character and promises, and that’s what I would like to share with you.
Almost six years ago, we thought we had arrived in our promised land, so to speak. We had been through a pretty deep valley, and then our Land of Milk and Honey came to us; it was a memorable gift to mark the end of a difficult season. As I scroll back through photos in my phone I’m reminded of this.
There was a photo of Ryan working in our beautiful, luscious garden that spoke of dreams fulfilled. We had always talked of growing our own food but never had the space or proper soil. Honestly, there are countless “dreams fulfilled” photos. We hosted big family dinners, beautiful backyard birthday parties, we made meals from scratch and filled a pantry with personally canned goods.
But as I scroll back through photos, there are also many pictures of pain. There’s a photo of my sons tackling my husband at bedtime: happiness filling the corners of all 3 faces. Behind the happiness in my husband’s face, though, is also deep exhaustion. He was working two full-time jobs for insufficient pay, with insufficient time; trying so hard to meet too many people’s expectations. The silly bedtime moment was more rare than any of us liked to admit. He wasn’t able to be truly present very often.
This deep pain we tried to mask: we did it for the boys, of course, but maybe for ourselves too? This is just ministry life, we tell each other. This is just part of the calling. I was drowning in motherhood and wifehood, just barely keeping my head above the weight of the expectations on me. We were lonely. Who were we supposed to spend time with? We fought more than we ever had because we cared so deeply for one another. We both knew it was all too much - but how could we escape?
God Our Rescuer
Is all of that what God was saving us from? Maybe he was saving our family. Maybe he was saving Ryan from the pain that nearly broke him.
I’ll be honest. It took me a while to see it. God certainly didn’t feel like our rescuer at first. All of this? This feeling of being trapped, forced out of our “promised land,” and losing our sense of autonomy… it’s not much easier than it was before. These deeply crowded conditions… living with our parents when we’re supposed to be the parents? Bringing home our newborn to a home that wasn't our own? What was the point? It all felt impossible.
Perhaps the point has been to remind us of our need to be rescued. Our sinful nature can’t always see it. We don’t always recognize our need for a Saviour. What a humbling reminder. The thing is, we weren’t asking for a way out, but did we ever need it. We later found out that we had been living in mold and our children were suffering with symptoms. What a miracle to see them healed and free of the troubles that had been tormenting them. And my sweet husband… he might not have made it much longer under such high stress. It didn’t feel like it at first, but we had been set free.
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
God, our Saviour, rescued us when we didn’t know we needed rescuing.
God Our Hope & Provider
“Okay, God, now that we’ve been rescued, can we have our life back?” I can’t recall how many times I prayed something along those lines; endlessly trying to send the message to Him that we got the point (!). We had never prayed so hard in our lives. Yes, in hindsight, that was probably part of the point.
We had done it all the proper way - seeking and trusting (trying to), worshipping and confiding, sharing, growing. We were waiting. Certainly waiting… and waiting... “We really do get it, God!” “We’ve learned patience!” Why do we need to keep waiting? Could we possibly become more patient? We’ve been grown, we’ve been stretched. We get it.
I think often of Jesus’ words: “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matt. 26:41b). Our human nature can be in such conflict. Four years ago, God had led us out of another difficult (although less so) season, and we actively tried to never let ourselves forget how He had answered our cries of desperation. He led us to “a land flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:8) just as He promised he would, and we marked that with physical reminders of His gracious gift.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know all we have is God’s; I know this is world not our eternal home. But then why does it hurt so much? Why has the loss of our home and community been so devastating? Why is it so deeply difficult to wait patiently for our next answered prayer? What good could possibly come from this season of extended waiting?
And then, God seems to say, let Me show you what good can come.
In our waiting, my husband was offered a really good paying job doing something he enjoyed. He was able to witness to other men, he prayed, he worshipped, he sought God’s guidance, and he made a difference. We praised God for this great interim opportunity.
And then just it was given, it was taken away. What’s that passage? “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21).
Words were lost on me for a time. I was so incredibly upset with my God (who I knew was supposed to be good) but I was also so emotionally drained that I almost didn't have the energy to care. Ugh. Just why, God?! What else could go wrong?
Well, the very day that Ryan’s seasonal lay off started - he had a new job. One job ended, and another dropped right into his hands. By the true grace of God, a new friend’s husband offered to hire Ryan for the exact day he was laid off. This family became so dear to us. They are some of our biggest prayer warriors and have endlessly welcomed us with open arms, into their hearts and their home, during a time when we had such little (really, nothing) to offer in return.
God knew we needed more than just a job to pay the bills. He provided for our hearts, too.
God Is Truly Good
In our many visits and conversations, play-dates and pizza nights with these friends, that’s when it hit me: we have to live in this waiting season.
We realized that it’s possible walk through the fire with joy. Maybe our walk would even reveal God's presence to other people. In Daniel chapter 3, the only time that the fourth man (God's presence) was seen by the King was in the fire! But, as my dad wisely reminded me one morning, in order for that to be the case we would need to truly live.
At first, I had avoided doing anything too meaningful in this desert season because I was afraid that the second we started enjoying ourselves again God would rip it all away. There were just so many layers of hurt and disappointment and overwhelm. But I had to decide to embrace our now. It’s not the now I wanted, but it’s the now we were given.
So we made plans, we joined our friends, we signed up for activities, and we accepted invitations. What wonderful memories we have made since then.
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
Psalm 27:13
I've lost track of the number of times I have written and recited that verse over the last 18 months. I couldn’t see God’s plans for us, I couldn’t understand what He was doing. I yelled at Him, I sobbed, and at times I wanted to give up on everything. But at the end of it all, I know He is always good. I know His goodness never changes.
This is why it’s so important to memorize the truths of God’s character, the truths found in His word, because when all else fails (and I mean literally everything) His word remains. They remain in us even when we think we will forget and when our human hope is lost.
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword.
Hebrews 4:12
His word rang in my mind. His word appeared in places I least expected it. His word said that we would see His goodness, and we did. We lived, truly lived, in His grace, and His goodness found us there.
The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.
Psalm 145:9
God is Faithful
As we walked the road of life, God was faithful. I began to keep a note in my phone of all the ways He was using His people to care for us.
Over the past year we have had people providing their time and hands with packing and unpacking, people blessing us with grocery deliveries, grocery gift cards (once from a stranger at our door on Christmas Day), funding to cover therapy, friends covering our family Christmas gifts, sending us new bed sheets and clothes, someone at a Costco check-out paying for our items, an anonymous cheque to cover car maintenance, and endless invitations to use others’ homes as places of rest.
It was miraculous and beautiful to see God use His people in their own journeys of faithfulness.
And as we continued to wait, this time while living, our prayer was that God would make His next path for us very clear. For example, I suggested a pigeon carrying a letter that drops right into our laps. Maybe some words painted across the sky? :)
And God, in His faithfulness, did just that.
Well, not exactly, but almost. One day we had our plan in mind (where we thought He was leading) and the next day He closed that door. Tight. Instead, He presented an opportunity we didn’t think possible.
This road was not at all what we thought it would be. This path would be terrifying and uncomfortable and nothing that we had ever imagined, but God kept reminding us of His faithfulness. He left no question unanswered, He provided (in abundance) at each step along the way. He kept affirming that we need to walk this path. He promised that His plans are nothing but good (Romans 8:28). He reminded us often that He is a God of peace (1 Cor. 14:33).
God is Gracious
The timing of this clear direction was unexpected. I was actually convinced that our “springtime” would come in spring of 2023. That certainly would have been a long enough winter season, right? We thought we would be in limbo for around four months, so then the spring of 2023 would be the perfect time to bring it all together…new life, fresh starts… right, God?
Well, it was actually an entire year later. The spring of 2024; the first weekend in April, to be exact - almost immediately after life had burst through the coldest and darkest time of the year.
Our springtime came through the warmth, encouragement, and hope provided by an under-rated town in northern Ontario.
Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm.
Nothing is too hard for you.
Jeremiah 32:17
We hadn’t wanted to walk this road originally; but that’s where God’s grace came in. We prayed for wisdom and clarity, and He gave us just that. He closed and opened doors exactly where He saw fit. He gave us another chance. He led us beyond a doubt. Our questions were answered, a home was provided, Ryan’s gifts were affirmed and encouraged. We both felt seen, heard, and appreciated. It was more than we thought possible. I should have known, shouldn’t I? There is nothing too hard for our God to accomplish.
For nothing will be impossible with God.
Luke 1:37
Epilogue
So I could say, now, that He brought us to our promised land again. He has certainly provided more than we dreamed and answered our prayers in abundance. But here’s what I’ve learned:
Our God is the promised land.
His presence, His goodness, His will. That’s where we want to be. Where He is - and, in turn, where He wants us to be - is where questions are answered, pieces begin to fit together, and life begins.
In His presence there is fullness of joy. There is joy despite the pain, joy despite the hardship. There is true contentment.
“…I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.
Philippians 4:11b-12
In the desert or in the land of milk and honey, my prayer is that people would see the reason I can sing: only and always because of the faithfulness of Christ in me.
-kj❀
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