Lessons from Nine Months of Being Engaged

when ryan asked me to marry him i expected a lot of changes to take place in my life. it just seemed to make the most sense because i was entering into a new phase of life. i was supposed to become mature and graceful and be ready to fulfill my full potential. getting married meant i needed to make wise decisions, be a good hostess, and do my devotions every morning with a cup of tea in my hand like all the insta-wives/moms. and to me, these were all exciting goals.

what i didn't know entering into my twenty-first year was that it would be so incredibly difficult. i didn't expect my friendships to change so much. i didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed all the time. i most definitely did not expect to ever doubt my decision to marry ryan.

i'll admit, we didn't take an easy road. it's kind of like we took the narrow, unpaved, dirt path instead of the wide open highway that everyone else takes. i guess it's inevitable that sometimes we've wondered what the heck we're doing, and it's probably normal that we are both pretty exhausted and overwhelmed eighty-five percent of the time.

but, God. 

we know He's got it figured out. He didn't lead us to this forty-first day before the wedding only to leave us empty-handed. He's in the process of growing us, strengthening us, and putting the final touches on the masterpieces (Ephesians 2:10) that he wants us to be on our wedding day.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Matthew 7:13-14

confession number two of the morning: i struggle with having a teachable spirit.

i like to be right, and maybe it's a result of my high-achieving-ness, but i usually think that i am! i also don't like change. once i decide something, i want to stick to it.

but, again, God. despite my unwillingness, He has taught me quite a bit in the past nine (really difficult) months.

lesson one - i am just as much (if not more of) the problem

when people tell you 'you can only change yourself' ... listen to them. this is one of the hardest things i have ever had to learn. like i said, i don't like change. but i also don't like when people don't listen to me. i like to think i have a pretty good perspective on things, and because of that, i find it hard to understand why anyone would choose not to listen to me. unfortunately for me (but probably fortunate for him!) ryan is also pretty stubborn, so he's definitely not someone to easily change his mind.

but here's the thing.

i've realized that when i start trying to change someone else, it's a sign that something needs to be changed in me. 

example: my frustration when ryan doesn't do things in my own time-frame is not reflective of him being inattentive or careless. it's reflective of my lack of patience. i can't make him hurry up, but more importantly, i can practice being patient. i can practice slowing down, taking a breath, and trusting that God's got it covered (even when ryan/the clock don't seem to).

lesson two - assumptions are not the same as expectations 

this is something our marriage counsellor told us (more-so, me) and i've reminded myself of this every day since then. wrongly believing that assuming something equals the right to expect something causes so much resentment.

expectations are only expectations when they have been communicated. 

example: i assume that ryan is going to be home for dinner (even though we never talked about it) and he doesn't show up. i get mad. i tell him "i expected you to be home!" = wrong

another big factor here is communication, but we all know how important that is. this whole assumption vs. expectation thing is something i had never realized before. sadly, i do it all the time! i assume that something will happen, and then get upset when it doesn't (especially when it comes to mine and ryan's relationship), but how unfair is this to him?! if we never agreed on anything, or made clear our expectations, how could i hold him to the 'thing' i have assumed? it doesn't make sense when you think it out like that.

lesson three - boundaries aren't only for couples

the past nine months haven't only been a huge time of change in our relationship. i've realized increasingly more what it means to be 'mature' and what it means to have genuine friendship. i always hated the word 'mature' because it reminded me of my teenage years when we would hear about 'maturing' in health class, and we would hear teachers and moms tell us to 'act mature' when we really didn't want to. but in my twenties it has acquired a whole new meaning.

first of all, i've had to realize that just because ryan and i are ready to be married at twenty-one and twenty-two, it doesn't mean everyone else is. we're both first-born children, and research shows (seriously!) that first-born children tend to mature more quickly than other-birth-order children. so that's one thing. also, we've both had extenuating family circumstances that have kind of caused us to grow up faster than normal, you know? so it makes sense that we're this way. but not everyone is at the same place.

second, i wrongly expected that in my twenties, girl- (woman-?) drama would disappear. boy, was i wrong (haha). my mom wisely reminded me a little while ago that girls are emotional beings. we were designed that way, which is wonderful a lot of the time. it's also a not-so-wonderful thing since we are all imperfect people and - as ladies - often enjoy engaging in each others' emotions.

when you come to a place of marriage, it's important to remember that:

marriage is a Christ-centered covenant. 

it's not just a loose-fluffy-symbolic thing that happens. it's a covenant, ladies. and a covenant is sacred, it's not to be broken and it needs to be protected. boundaries around the covenant need to be made.

so, that means recognizing that you and your husband(to-be) are one. not every detail of your covenant-centered-oneness should be (or even needs to be) shared. it means not focusing so much on sharing marriage-related emotions to friends, not relying on others' affirmation, and investing in the intimacy of your marriage. not to say that nothing should be shared with friends (we all need our girl-friends, God designed us for friendship too) but it does mean remembering that friends may not share your mindset and it does mean placing appropriate boundaries. it especially means being intentional about keeping Christ as your primary source of confidence and wisdom.

lesson four - forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation

let me just say, this is the most life-altering thing i have learned this year.

there is nothing as humbling or maturing as having to forgive, but there is also nothing as beautiful as being forgiven. this is why i've never had a problem forgiving people. in fact, some people have told me i have a problem with being too forgiving. personally i don't really think that's possible because if Jesus could forgive us for being such horrible people, then how can we not forgive a little here-and-there?! but i see now why people have said that. my problem isn't that i'm too forgiving, but that i'm too quick to reconcile.

what?! yeah that's what i thought when i read it the first time too.

the best example of this in the Bible (in my opinion) is when Joseph's brothers come to him at the end of Genesis.

Joseph had forgiven his brothers in his heart for selling him as a slave. Then his brothers showed their repentence.

"Sir, I am your slave. Please let me stay here in place of Benjamin and let him return home with his brothers." (Gen. 44:33)

Then Joseph literally couldn't hold back the tears because he had been waiting for this moment for so long. 

Now hurry back and tell my father... “God has made me ruler of Egypt. Come here as quickly as you can. You will live near me in the region of Goshen with your children and grandchildren, as well as with your sheep, goats, cattle, and everything else you own. I will take care of you there during the next five years of famine. But if you don’t come, you and your family and your animals will starve to death.”

All of you, including my brother Benjamin, can tell by what I have said that I really am Joseph. Tell my father about my great power here in Egypt and about everything you have seen. Hurry and bring him here.

Joseph and Benjamin hugged each other and started crying. Joseph was still crying as he kissed each of his other brothers. After this, they started talking with Joseph. 

(Gen. 45:9-15)

in summary,

forgiveness happens in your heart, and it's not optional. 

God calls us to forgive (Matt. 6:14, Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13) - personally, in our hearts - just as He forgave us. forgiveness is all about individual grace, but reconciliation takes two. reconciliation means a new start for both people, and it opens the possibility for something to become greater than it was before. there is grace in reconciliation too.

lesson five - loving doesn't mean liking

sometimes ryan drives me crazy. for the sake of boundaries (i'm working on this one guys!) i'm not going to start listing all the things he does that make me want to pull my hair out. i think we can all appreciate feeling this way anyways. but i've had to learn what it means to not only show grace, but to love with grace. i've had to recognize that loving with grace means being patient when i don't want to be, being kind when it's the last thing on my mind, being selfless even when i'm exhausted, and not letting myself be rude or angered even when i feel like i'm on my last straw. definitely so hard. i think we're all so used to 'doing something about it' when there's something we don't 'like.' 

loving is not about liking. loving isn't about our preferences or our emotions or our desires. in fact, 

love is not about us at all. 

love is about laying aside everything in you for the sake of someone else. it's about always forgiving and always persevering past the 'dislike.' 

this kind of Christ-centered love is mountain-moving. it will conquer anything, i promise. 

lesson six - prayer is the most powerful weapon 

this really should have been number one on my list. i am daily reminded of the power in prayer. many of you church-grown ladies are probably skimming over this last one because it's becomes cliche. but i beg you, don't minimize the importance of prayer. 

i've gone through several phases where i send a quick thought upwards and count that as my time with Him for the day. but, ladies, don't let that become you. your husband/fiance/boyfriend/friend(whoever!) needs you to rock their world with prayer. i started reading The Power of the Praying Wife after finally moving beyond my prayer-stagnancy. and i will say that it is one of the most valuable books i have read. 

again, it's not about you, friends. 

lay down your expectations and lay down your desire for perfection. 

let Him do the job that only He can do. for you, it's about loving God and loving your significant-other. nothing else is as important as that. 

and whenever you hesitate praying, remember: "God can do more in five seconds than you can do in five hours." -John Piper 

-kj❀