When God Breathed Life

Early this morning I lay awake holding Landon, waiting for Ryan to come back to our hospital room with breakfast, and I turned on the playlist that I had made to listen to on the way to the hospital six days ago. Reckless Love was the first song to play, and for the first time ever while listening to a song, tears started sliding down my cheeks. I remembered my dad's text from the night before (when Landon was finally able to be taken out of his incubator and held by his family for the first time):

As I drove home today I heard “Reckless Love” playing, and I couldn’t help but think of Landon and the words:

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me

You have been so, so good to me

Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me

You have been so, so kind to me.

Thanks so much for today. 

Such a blessing to hold him.

God is so good to our family.

I'm not a crier. I don't cry during sad movies, and I don't cry over sad songs. My tears are usually out of frustration or fear. But this morning they were tears that moved past the 'what ifs.' God has made himself known through the smallest details this past week and my tears this morning were of pure praise and gratitude for a God who loves my family so well; a God who cares about the tiniest seven-pound baby enough to breathe life into him.

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Ryan and I didn't have a lot of expectations about Landon's birth since it's our first baby and we didn't really know what to expect. Ryan and I were really ready to roll with whatever happened. But from the beginning of the day on July 18 (at approximately 3:30am) nothing went as planned. Lakeridge Oshawa was full, so we ended up in Ajax; my midwives weren't able to make it to the hospital (?!); my blood pressure and heart rate were too high so I was encouraged to get an epidural sooner rather than later - whether I wanted one or not; the anesthesiologist made a mistake with the first epidural (resulting in a 7 day migraine); and then there was the delivery.

Landon Thomas Lloyd was born Wednesday, July 18, 2018, at 5:37pm. He was 7lb, 1oz, 22 inches long, his hair with the slightest strawberry tinge and his eyes wide and bright. But his skin was grey. He wasn't breathing. The umbilical cord had been wrapped around his neck three times, so the nurses and doctors began pumping him full of oxygen. It took a long time for him to start breathing (eight entire minutes, I was later told), and as a result of all the oxygen that was put into his body, he also ended up with air pockets around his heart.

I don't think there is any way I could have felt more helpless. After the nurses wheeled me into the NICU, I was able to get about a foot away from Landon's incubator where I heard the most heartbreaking sound of him struggling to breathe. I had been a mother for only a few hours and was already at a loss. And how did this even happen?! He was perfectly healthy inside me only a few hours ago.

The next five days were nothing short of a nightmare, and I can't even remember the majority of what happened. It's a messy, traumatic blur in my mind. I do remember that we weren't allowed to hold him until Sunday - his body was covered in bruises from resuscitation, so the stimulation of physical touch was too much for him to handle. He also had an IV that was very tenderly placed through his umbilical line and there was a high risk of it coming loose if he was taken in and out of his incubator.

Yesterday (Monday) we got to hold him for the first time; we could touch him with no restrictions or fear of his health being compromised. Five days after his birth I finally felt like Landon's mom, and not just a visitor in the NICU, playing pretend with the nurse's babies.

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Despite these horribly dark six days, God's hand has been so present in the smallest details. From Sick Kids being 'coincidentally' present in the room during Landon's resuscitation and able to consult on his case, to the worship music that played in the NICU the morning that his umbilical line was successfully removed, God knew.

When I was helpless on Wednesday night, at a loss for how to help my baby, God knew.

When it hurt too much for Landon to be snuggled, God held him close.

When Landon almost didn't make it, God breathed His life into him.

Our God loves so, so well. He is so, so good.