I've realized that part of being an adult is learning how to spark my own joy. When we're young, our parents surprise us with things just to see our smiles light up the world. As we're growing up, we tend to look for joy in other things, other people, other places. For me, there came a point when I had to realize that other people aren't responsible for my joy. 

Of course the only way any of us will be truly happy is when our hope is in Jesus. But we also need to love ourselves (He actually commands us to). After all, we can only give Love and Joy when our own tanks are full of Love and Joy.

So, this is the story of Ryan and I and our most recent spark of joy.

Mowgli was not in our original plan. Of course we really wanted a puppy, we both grew up with puppies who we loved so-crazy-much. But a puppy was not in the budget. We were newly-wed students, not the ideal puppy-parents. 

A few months ago we were looking for apartments since our lease would soon be up, and we came across an ad. It was an ad for the perfect puppy (perfect as in meeting all of my perfect-canine-expectations), and there were eight in the litter. For the first time, we considered what it would mean to have a puppy. We made a list of the pros and cons, kind of thinking that it might be fun to dream about but not really go through with. Puppies are good for stress. They're fun. They're sweet company for lonely evenings. They're protective. They're cute. They bring joy. We wrote down that a puppy would be a lot of work. Puppies also cost a lot of money. But we kept going back to the idea of joy. We prayed, and we thought, and we talked, and we prayed some more. In our five married months we had become so focused on bills and budgets and routines and organization. What about us? Or was thinking about us too selfish?

Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do.

Ecclesiastes 9:7

Matthew Henry Commentary: Hence he infers that it is our wisdom to make the best use of life that we can while it does last, and manage wisely what remains of it. Let us relish the comforts of life while we live, and cheerfully take our share of the enjoyments of it. Solomon, having been himself ensnared by the abuse of sensitive delights. . . . Not that we must place our happiness in any of the delights of sense, or set our hearts upon them, but what God has given us we must make as comfortable a use of as we can afford, under the limitations of sobriety and wisdom, and not forgetting the poor.

We decided to message the breeder. Then we waited. After a few weeks, she hadn't ended up answering, so we took that to mean it wasn't the right time. We were actually okay with it. We would just have to be patient for a little while (or long while) more. 

Then we got an unexpected cheque in the mail. A cheque for the exact amount that the puppy would cost. Most would say this was a coincidence, but we don't believe in coincidences. This was all God. This was a joy-full gift. So, I texted the breeder again. It was a few days later when she finally answered, and she had one puppy left. A little golden-coloured boy - just what we were hoping for. We brought him home, we showed him off to everyone we knew. We were overjoyed. 

And then he got sick. Really sick. The vet said he wouldn't make it. Our one option was to spend $10 000 to give him a small chance at living beyond his current ten weeks. We were so confused, so heartbroken, wondering why on earth God would lead us this way. The veterinary assistants hugged both Ryan and I as we cried and looked at our near-lifeless puppy on the table.

Feeling defeated, we took him back to our apartment. We stayed up all night praying-over and syringe-feeding the newest addition to our small little family. "It's just a dog" some people said. But he was such a wonderful gift. How could we be losing such a joy-filled fluff-ball blessing? Then we were reminded that we had a team of prayer warriors behind us. People who we didn't even really know were praying for our little Mo. Seven pounds of puppy fluff actually seemed worth praying for?

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.

Matthew 10:29

The crazy thing is that he actually was worth it. God cares about our joy. He cares about the smallest little things that bring us even an ounce of happiness. That is, as long as we are looking for joy in Him above all else. 

Mowgli ended up being okay. In fact, the vet was shocked that he made it out so strong and healthy and full of life sass.

He is now twenty pounds of trouble, and still bringing sparks of joy to our every day. We have actually learned many lessons through him - lessons of faith, lessons of patience, and lessons of the crazy love of our Saviour.

So, what are you doing to spark joy in this life of Love you have been given? 



-kj❀

An Open Letter to My Husband of Seven Months

Dear Ryan,

It's been seven months since we stood overtop the Grand River, surrounded by our family and friends. Seven months since we promised to love each other forever.

Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it seems like years ago, and sometimes the past seven months seem like a nonexistent blur in my mind. I know I have learned more about myself, about love, and about grace, in the past seven months than I have in the past ten years.

I've lost count of the number of times people have said to me "I can't believe you're married!" and the number of times I have responded with a laugh and said "Honestly, I can't either!" And really, I can't. We're not the average 21 and 22 year olds. We could have done things so differently. And I know we both often wonder: Why didn't we? Why didn't we wait to get married? Why didn't we save more money, focus on ourselves for a little longer, maybe start our careers first? I know some people wonder why we didn't just move in together, because that would have been the easy thing to do.

Sometimes it's so hard. When the end of the month comes and our budget becomes tight. When we don't have time to clean the kitchen because we have so many things going on, and then we end up blaming each other I end up blaming you for the mess. It's so hard when it feels like you (or I) should be pulling more weight. When it's sweltering outside and we're both exhausted from our long days and we both lose our patience within seconds of getting home. When we get so busy that our 'together time' gets missed. Those are the times we wonder. Did we make the right decision? Do I even like you anymore? 

Now I understand why marriages don't last. Why common-law doesn't cut it. Why the idea of the other person not doing their part is the cause of so many detrimental fights. Why some people are afraid of such huge commitment. It makes sense.

For richer or for poorer. We're certainly not living in poverty, but we're also not rich. You work so hard that you couldn't possibly work any harder (while also taking care of your mini-family and finishing school), and we have to be so extra-careful with our money. We budget only small dates and give up on unlikely vacations. We can't always get our favourite food. Sometimes we become discouraged and wish we could treat ourselves to nicer clothes.

In sickness and in health. Can I say that I dread the times when you're sick? Not just because I hate seeing you suffer, but because - selfishly - I am so used to you taking care of me and I like it that way.

Our promise was to love each other beyond these earthly circumstances. If I didn't love you with a Love beyond my own, we already wouldn't have made it this far. But the difference with our kind of love is that we don't have the option to give up.

Our love is a covenant kind of love.

This covenant love remains even when we don't like each other. It pushes beyond sickness, beyond riches, beyond morning breath and sweaty work clothes, beyond exhaustion and lazy days, beyond messy arguments and dirty dishes, beyond forgetfulness and disappointments.

It serves when compassion is lacking, it cares despite frustration, and it hopes beyond disappointment.

The Love I have for you will last. I will love who you are even if I don't like what you've done. I will believe in you even if my frustration can't see past the moment. I will choose to serve you even when I would rather serve myself.

This Love that is the centre of our world has shown us what it means to look beyond ourselves.

This Love is a love that has already conquered death, and I am so grateful that we can call it our own.


-kj❀


John 15:13