I've been following Audrey Roloff since the second I knew that she and Jeremy (of Little People Big World) were in a relationship. Something about her passion for writing and her free-spirited personality connected with me. I love her's and Jeremy's love story - their extravagant romance, their transparency, the way they never settle - and I find it encouraging to share in their young-married experiences. So, naturally, when they started their own blog, I immediately subscribed.

A couple days ago I filled out a survey that they had asked their followers to complete, and one of the questions was "What is one thing you wish you knew before you got married?" Without a second thought, I wrote:

"I wish I knew that it was okay to fight."

Backtrack a few months: I was seriously asking myself why I ever thought marriage was a good idea. I was telling myself that based on the number of conflicts Ryan and I had, I just wasn't cut out for it. We obviously couldn't handle the seriousness of the commitment, and everybody was right. We were too young. 

Thankfully, Jesus has a good hold on my heart and I quickly remembered to cast these lies out of my head. But either way, I wish somebody had told me about the conflicts we would have, before we got married. Not just that they would happen, but that when they did, it would be normal and okay and not the end of the world. 

We were told a lot of things before our wedding day. That marriage would be hard. That we would have a lot going on. We would be busy, we would have to find balance, and we would probably fight over ridiculous things - like toothpaste and toilet paper and who should do the dishes. But I don't remember being told about the big fights. The ones that make it seem like the world is ending and that you might need to to run out the front door. (Just as a note, Ryan and I are okay. We're not considering ending our marriage. At all. Ever. And neither of us are on the verge of a breakdown.)

The problem is that I thought we were at the end of our collective rope because I thought that conflicts (other than toiletry-related disagreements) were abnormal.

I'm realizing now that conflict is inevitable. We are two different people, trying to learn to live as one in a broken world. We are also young people, still trying to discover who we are individually as well as who we are together; and that is both the advantage and the detriment of marrying young. Trying to find a rhythm with someone else when you are also trying to find your own is not impossible, but definitely not easy.

Miscommunication, finances, hurt feelings, exhaustion, loneliness, and the list goes on. There are so many things working against the romance we try to create as a husband and wife. It is not beyond me anymore why the 50% divorce rate is a reality. It is not beyond me why so many spouses turn to things other than their spouse's love, or The Love.

I have learned that the conflict is not where it has to end. Sometimes it does, but it's the moments following the conflict that determine that. It's about where we go from here. What can we learn from the disagreement we just had? What do I need to work on, and how can I help him? What do I need to change? It's not only about what he needs to change (I will be working on this one for a while - trust me).

Just like any beautiful rhythm, romance takes practice. It takes learning: learning about the strengths and weaknesses that your compliment brings, learning where you should press forward and where you should let go, where you should speed up and where you should step back. At first you will make mistakes, and you might miss a beat here and there, but eventually it will become natural, familiar, and ever-beautiful as you learn to dance with your perfect harmony holding your hand.

Meeting Mowgli

I've realized that part of being an adult is learning how to spark my own joy. When we're young, our parents surprise us with things just to see our smiles light up the world. As we're growing up, we tend to look for joy in other things, other people, other places. For me, there came a point when I had to realize that other people aren't responsible for my joy. 

Of course the only way any of us will be truly happy is when our hope is in Jesus. But we also need to love ourselves (He actually commands us to). After all, we can only give Love and Joy when our own tanks are full of Love and Joy.

So, this is the story of Ryan and I and our most recent spark of joy.

Mowgli was not in our original plan. Of course we really wanted a puppy, we both grew up with puppies who we loved so-crazy-much. But a puppy was not in the budget. We were newly-wed students, not the ideal puppy-parents. 

A few months ago we were looking for apartments since our lease would soon be up, and we came across an ad. It was an ad for the perfect puppy (perfect as in meeting all of my perfect-canine-expectations), and there were eight in the litter. For the first time, we considered what it would mean to have a puppy. We made a list of the pros and cons, kind of thinking that it might be fun to dream about but not really go through with. Puppies are good for stress. They're fun. They're sweet company for lonely evenings. They're protective. They're cute. They bring joy. We wrote down that a puppy would be a lot of work. Puppies also cost a lot of money. But we kept going back to the idea of joy. We prayed, and we thought, and we talked, and we prayed some more. In our five married months we had become so focused on bills and budgets and routines and organization. What about us? Or was thinking about us too selfish?

Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do.

Ecclesiastes 9:7

Matthew Henry Commentary: Hence he infers that it is our wisdom to make the best use of life that we can while it does last, and manage wisely what remains of it. Let us relish the comforts of life while we live, and cheerfully take our share of the enjoyments of it. Solomon, having been himself ensnared by the abuse of sensitive delights. . . . Not that we must place our happiness in any of the delights of sense, or set our hearts upon them, but what God has given us we must make as comfortable a use of as we can afford, under the limitations of sobriety and wisdom, and not forgetting the poor.

We decided to message the breeder. Then we waited. After a few weeks, she hadn't ended up answering, so we took that to mean it wasn't the right time. We were actually okay with it. We would just have to be patient for a little while (or long while) more. 

Then we got an unexpected cheque in the mail. A cheque for the exact amount that the puppy would cost. Most would say this was a coincidence, but we don't believe in coincidences. This was all God. This was a joy-full gift. So, I texted the breeder again. It was a few days later when she finally answered, and she had one puppy left. A little golden-coloured boy - just what we were hoping for. We brought him home, we showed him off to everyone we knew. We were overjoyed. 

And then he got sick. Really sick. The vet said he wouldn't make it. Our one option was to spend $10 000 to give him a small chance at living beyond his current ten weeks. We were so confused, so heartbroken, wondering why on earth God would lead us this way. The veterinary assistants hugged both Ryan and I as we cried and looked at our near-lifeless puppy on the table.

Feeling defeated, we took him back to our apartment. We stayed up all night praying-over and syringe-feeding the newest addition to our small little family. "It's just a dog" some people said. But he was such a wonderful gift. How could we be losing such a joy-filled fluff-ball blessing? Then we were reminded that we had a team of prayer warriors behind us. People who we didn't even really know were praying for our little Mo. Seven pounds of puppy fluff actually seemed worth praying for?

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.

Matthew 10:29

The crazy thing is that he actually was worth it. God cares about our joy. He cares about the smallest little things that bring us even an ounce of happiness. That is, as long as we are looking for joy in Him above all else. 

Mowgli ended up being okay. In fact, the vet was shocked that he made it out so strong and healthy and full of life sass.

He is now twenty pounds of trouble, and still bringing sparks of joy to our every day. We have actually learned many lessons through him - lessons of faith, lessons of patience, and lessons of the crazy love of our Saviour.

So, what are you doing to spark joy in this life of Love you have been given? 



-kj❀

An Open Letter to My Husband of Seven Months

Dear Ryan,

It's been seven months since we stood overtop the Grand River, surrounded by our family and friends. Seven months since we promised to love each other forever.

Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it seems like years ago, and sometimes the past seven months seem like a nonexistent blur in my mind. I know I have learned more about myself, about love, and about grace, in the past seven months than I have in the past ten years.

I've lost count of the number of times people have said to me "I can't believe you're married!" and the number of times I have responded with a laugh and said "Honestly, I can't either!" And really, I can't. We're not the average 21 and 22 year olds. We could have done things so differently. And I know we both often wonder: Why didn't we? Why didn't we wait to get married? Why didn't we save more money, focus on ourselves for a little longer, maybe start our careers first? I know some people wonder why we didn't just move in together, because that would have been the easy thing to do.

Sometimes it's so hard. When the end of the month comes and our budget becomes tight. When we don't have time to clean the kitchen because we have so many things going on, and then we end up blaming each other I end up blaming you for the mess. It's so hard when it feels like you (or I) should be pulling more weight. When it's sweltering outside and we're both exhausted from our long days and we both lose our patience within seconds of getting home. When we get so busy that our 'together time' gets missed. Those are the times we wonder. Did we make the right decision? Do I even like you anymore? 

Now I understand why marriages don't last. Why common-law doesn't cut it. Why the idea of the other person not doing their part is the cause of so many detrimental fights. Why some people are afraid of such huge commitment. It makes sense.

For richer or for poorer. We're certainly not living in poverty, but we're also not rich. You work so hard that you couldn't possibly work any harder (while also taking care of your mini-family and finishing school), and we have to be so extra-careful with our money. We budget only small dates and give up on unlikely vacations. We can't always get our favourite food. Sometimes we become discouraged and wish we could treat ourselves to nicer clothes.

In sickness and in health. Can I say that I dread the times when you're sick? Not just because I hate seeing you suffer, but because - selfishly - I am so used to you taking care of me and I like it that way.

Our promise was to love each other beyond these earthly circumstances. If I didn't love you with a Love beyond my own, we already wouldn't have made it this far. But the difference with our kind of love is that we don't have the option to give up.

Our love is a covenant kind of love.

This covenant love remains even when we don't like each other. It pushes beyond sickness, beyond riches, beyond morning breath and sweaty work clothes, beyond exhaustion and lazy days, beyond messy arguments and dirty dishes, beyond forgetfulness and disappointments.

It serves when compassion is lacking, it cares despite frustration, and it hopes beyond disappointment.

The Love I have for you will last. I will love who you are even if I don't like what you've done. I will believe in you even if my frustration can't see past the moment. I will choose to serve you even when I would rather serve myself.

This Love that is the centre of our world has shown us what it means to look beyond ourselves.

This Love is a love that has already conquered death, and I am so grateful that we can call it our own.


-kj❀


John 15:13

Why My Sister Was the Best MOH

When my sister was born, I had a lot of plans and dreams that grew and filled the previous empty spaces in my life. I think this happens when all little-girl-wishes come true. Most of my aspirations were pretty typical. She would be my best friend, my late-night confidante, the student in my classroom, and the mannequin in my hair-salon. My partner in crime. My taste-tester. My maid of honour.

Fast-forward ten years, and my sister had been diagnosed with autism and a significant intellectual disability, among other diagnoses. Given her exceptionalities, I had to let go of many of these dreams. I gave up trying to make her sit through my hair experiments and classroom lessons. Sometimes I would talk to her late at night, but it's hard to talk to someone who can't respond. She was pretty selective with her food (for a few years, her meals literally consisted of bananas and strawberry yogurt), and she didn't know how to keep secrets. Despite all of these things, there is one dream I never gave up on: my sister would be my maid of honour.

So, when Ryan proposed to me, my ‘proposing’ to her was the first thing I checked off my list. I actually didn't even think twice about it. I had known my whole life that my sister would be the one to stand next to me on the best day of my life, and, as someone who is usually packed full of doubts and worries, I can honestly say there was no doubt in my mind that it was the right (and best) decision. This was all confirmed when Christy began to introduce herself to every person she met as "Kayla's maid of honour" and refer to her navy-blue dress (that was identical to the other bridesmaid dresses) as the "special maid of honour dress."

I had no idea what was coming.

There were a lot of unanticipated questions. "So... who's going to, you know, do the actual maid of honour stuff?" Well, this was valid. Since Christy has a hard time with planning, it made sense that this was up in the air to some people. I would respond, simply, that my mom is the queen of organization (she really is), that my other bridesmaids would support my sister, and naturally, I would be super-involved with every detail.

That was usually followed-up with, "Well, that's good... but will she be able to make it through the day? Like, what if she can't?" Okay, so maybe she won't, or maybe she will. To be honest, this didn't really matter to me. I wanted my sister there with me. Whether she cried, laughed, sat, stood, took two pictures with me or twenty, it wasn't important. I wanted to experience the day with her there, and I know that's all she wanted too.

"Okay, but seriously, who is going to be your actual maid of honour?" This is where things started to head south for me. Every time this question was posed, I was afraid steam might start coming out my ears.

Fact Number One: I am extremely protective of my sister. I'm usually a very gentle and quiet person. That's just me. But I do remember times in elementary school when I would storm over (as intimidating as a 70-pound grade-sixer could be) to anyone who might be bothering Christy and give them a piece of my big-sister mind. Christy is beautiful, hilarious, kind, and a lover of all things neon. She is perfect to me, and anyone who saw otherwise was not welcome to be around her (or so my twelve-year-old self thought).

Needless to say, when people proposed the idea that she might not be good enough as my maid of honour, it didn't sit well with me.

Despite my well-intentioned choice and my happy hopes, my decision for her to be my right-hand girl actually caused a lot of conflict during the nine months leading up to my wedding. My mom and I tried hard to remain organized and lightly delegate the support Christy might need, but a lot of people were really unsure about her capabilities and the role that she should have.

It came to a climax on the day I overheard a conversation that wasn't meant for my ears. “All the stress and problems Kayla is having are because she doesn't have a real maid of honour.”

I cried for almost an entire afternoon after hearing that. What did they mean she wasn't real?! And how was she in any way responsible for my wedding stress? All wedding plans become stressful at one point or another, and if anyone was responsible for the stress it was me. After all, it was my choice to involve her, right?

I learned a lot of valuable lessons as a result of this climactic moment. I learned that the ability to forgive is a matter of the heart, and that it is often harder to forgive a person for hurting someone close to you than it is to forgive a person for hurting you personally. I learned that not everyone will understand my sister like I do, and that is something I am going to have to be okay with. I was also reminded of something that I so often forget: my sister is my personal cheerleader.

On that climax-of-a-day when my heart was broken for the hurtful things that were directed at my sister, she was the one beside me offering comfort. She gave me multiple hugs, put her arm around me, and confidently told me that I was going to be beautiful on my wedding day. Isn't that what all us girls want to hear in our lowest moments? She also assured me (not for the first time, or last time) that she was very excited “to have a brother in the family.”  I'd say that's exactly what a bride needs from her maid of honour.

Christy knows me better than almost anyone. Despite her struggles in many areas, she is one of the most intuitive and empathetic people I know, and I am crazy-blessed that I get to walk with her through the adventure of life. I'm extra grateful that she stood by my side through my entire wedding day. She held my flowers, she saved my twin-three-year-old flower girl and ring bearer when they got lost walking down the aisle, she danced her heart out all night long, and she wrote the most beautiful speech. If I had to do it all over again, I would choose her in a heart beat.

She is my life-long biggest fan, and she is the best one I could ever ask for.


-kj❀

The Myth Of The Honeymoon Phase

In the weeks since our wedding, I have talked to more people than I actually even know. At some points I have felt like Ryan and I attracted a crowd of fans who are dedicated to following our married life and squeezing out every detail we have to offer. It's definitely a self-esteem booster and great to know so many people are 'for' us. Sometimes, though, it's exhausting.

Obviously, most people want to know how we're doing - how married life is, how we're adjusting to being "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," and how our honeymoon was. I think people expect us to say things like: wonderful, amazing, perfect, great, or dream-like, and then gaze at each other with heart-shaped eyes. Some people have even looked at us, tilted their heads with a little smile and said "Oh, the honeymoon stage..." (okay actually, person-I-just-met, I don't even like this strange man right now because he didn't fill up the water jug). They're totally not expecting us to say that so far our marriage has been busy, stressful, hectic, messy, and exhausting. But in reality those are the only answers we've been able to give.

There is a lot that I saw coming in our married life. I anticipated the business and the long work/school days. I knew Ryan would be gone one night every week, and he knew I wouldn't always be home for dinner. In my mind (and in his), this would all be okay because 6/7 nights we would be home together and able to have the quality time we both need. And no matter what, we would always start our days together - with coffee and Jesus.

What I didn't anticipate was that sometimes that wouldn't be enough. If that one hour in the evening is reserved for 'us' then when do the dishes get done? When do lunches get made? When do we go over our budget and discuss bills? And what about the laundry, the salt-stained floor, and the garbage? Oh yeah, and we both have mountains of homework. You're probably staring at this post and wanting to tell me, "Do those things together!" and I understand why! That was my original plan too. But after working for six hours and being in school for three hours and not having a single break, who feels like doing more work?! And what happens when something minimal causes a fight that takes up our only hour together?

So this is our married-working-student struggle - the struggle that began exactly fifty-eight hours after we were pronounced husband and wife. Our married life didn't start with sunshine and sandy seas and star-gazed moments. It began with us falling asleep on the couch from exhaustion and waking up to pack lunches for our Monday obligations. It began with forgetting about our laundry, running out of bread, and having meaningless arguments about how to arrange dirty dishes in the sink.

There are a number of lessons I have been learning in the past three weeks - about myself, about Ryan, about relationships and love and God and life - and I want to share two really important ones.

The first of these is that the Honeymoon Phase is not always a thing. To be entirely honest, it was a little discouraging when two days into our marriage I wasn't feeling like all 'honeymoon-ey' like I thought I was supposed to. I've since realized that it's not necessarily 'supposed' to be like this. The beginning of marriage comes with a lot of adjustment and change (for everyone, not just us), so it's normal to feel overwhelmed, busy, and agitated. One of my friends said that for her and her husband, the 'honeymoon phase' came much later into their marriage. This whole idea is something that nobody ever told me, and something I wish I had understood before (although I understand why nobody told me because who really wants to be the one to burst the excitement-bubble?). The good news is that these exhausting and challenging first few weeks have led us to really work on encouraging each other, and I know we will be thankful to have become expert-encouragers.

The second is that, despite the business and change, God wants us to find joy in this season. Ryan and I decided to read through Ecclesiastes together, so we do this every morning that we are both home together. The book actually really started to frustrate me when, after four chapters, everything sounded the exact same. I felt like all I was reading was "Toiling under the sun is meaningless" and I really didn't like it (like yeah, wise-unknown-writer, I know our home is in heaven, but right now we're here and we have to work to live!) On the morning of the sixth chapter Ryan asked what stood out to me and I said, "The same thing that has stood out the last six times!" and then started ranting about how repetitive and frustrating the whole book is. But thankfully Ryan had patience with me and shared some wisdom. He pointed out that a) the Bible isn't always meant to make me feel good (ok, yep... thank you for humbling me, husband) and b) if something is repeated then it's something that God finds really important. God clearly wants me (us) to be grateful for the work I have been provided with (as busy as it may make me), to work hard since I am able to, and to find joy in each moment of work I have.


So all in all: God is good, life is busy, and marriage is wonderful because it's a forever-adventure with my best friend.

What more could I ask for?!


-kj❀


Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 

Everything I Thought I'd Be: A Letter To My Future Husband On The Night Before Our Wedding

Dear Future Husband,

I started writing these letters to you ten years ago. I was in my basement with a bunch of my girlfriends, and we decided that night to promise ourselves to our future husbands. Some of us kept the promise, some of us didn't. But either way, that's when it began for me - my love for you, that is. From that moment on I dreamed about you. I dreamed about your perfection, your protection, your personality and your purity. I dreamed about myself too. I dreamed about everything you would make me - about how I would become a hospitable wife, be full of grace and have meals on the table every night. I dreamed about the way you would always think of me and show me you love me, even when I was an emotional (yet still somehow beautiful) mess.

I've since realized that no man is perfect in every way, and that's actually okay with me. I've realized that you need encouragement and support, that you are going to mess up, and that I need to give you second, third, and fourth chances. I'm okay with it all.

But, future husband, I'm not perfect either. Oh, how I wish I was. How I wish I wasn't an emotional rollercoaster, that I cared a little more about my hair, and that I had an unlimited supply of energy for each day. How I wish I was never angered, that I would always put you first, and that I never forgot to lift you up.

See, I didn't only imagine you were the ideal husband. I imagined I would be the ideal wife. I imagined we would have an ideal marriage, an ideal life. But, my love, we need to remember that we cannot expect perfection - because neither of us can achieve that. Neither of us can make the other perfect.

This has been hard for me, being a perfectionist and all. Sometimes - actually most times - I think I can make things work my way. If I just communicated a little better, tried a little harder, loved a little more... then it would all be perfect. What I've learned is that I'm lying to myself when I say that. Neither of us will ever be Jesus, and He is the only one who is perfect.

So, on this night before forever, I am praying that we will release ourselves from the burden of expectations. I am praying that we will not expect perfection from each other, but that we will show patience and kindness. And I am praying that we never forget how blessed we are, with more than we could ever ask for. Where we are lacking in an ideal marriage, we will be always abounding in Real Grace - and that is more than I could ever hope for.

I'm really nervous about starting our new life together. But I'm also really excited. We are going to be a wonderful team, and I am confident in God's perfect plan for us.

See you tomorrow, future husband. I can't wait to be your wife.


-kj❀