As we pulled onto the street that would become our home and slowly approached our house, our eyes grew wide. It wasn’t the mess of construction chaos happening that caught us off guard. It was the tree that we hadn’t noticed in any of the pictures or even during our previous quick visit. 

It’s been two and a half years since life-as-we-knew-it crumbled to pieces. Part of that crumbling involved our apple tree. On the morning of our second born’s second birthday, we opened the front door to get ready for our guests, and our beautiful heirloom apple tree (that we enjoyed harvesting each year and sharing with friends) was gone. Absolutely gone. Someone had simply come by without us knowing and chopped it down. I shed some tears, but ultimately it was “just an apple tree” right? A trivial thing that shouldn’t have mattered too much among all the other serious things happening in our community and world, and overall insignificant considering all that was to come in our story. 

But what was in the front yard of our new house? What did we see as we drove up?

A huge apple tree. 

“He cares. God cares about all that we lost.” I quietly shared my realization with myself. 

That tree that we lost wasn’t insignificant to Him. God saw us then, and He saw us now. He saw us all the way through. 

Did He have to give us another full-grown and beautiful apple tree? No, He really didn’t. And our new home was truly enough for us. We had been praying just for a home (any home to call our own) for so long. We were already so thankful. But our God loves to lavish His love on His children, doesn’t he? 

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 

1 John 3:1

I’m not exaggerating when I say that has been only one of a dozen similar moments; moments where our breath is taken away for a second or two as we realize how gracious and good our God truly is. 

It was only twelve months ago that redemption came to life in our story. It has been not-quite-a-year of waking up in a place so far from all we’ve ever known, far from the people we love most, but also entirely at peace with where God has brought us. There are still parts of each of us that are healing from deep wounds - wounds created both before and during our desert season - but the redemption that God has showered upon us has been a true testament of His grace - beyond anything we could have ever asked or anticipated. He is healing us with His beautiful grace. 

He’s a God of Beautiful Things 

One of my favourite songs during my university years was “Beautiful Things” by Michael Gungor. It talks about pain and old hard ground and chaos and how somehow God creates beauty from that. Beauty from ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) 

...a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair...

Isaiah 61:3

Somehow, after all the chaos and mess that our life had become, God brought beauty. 

When we left our previous home, we had to leave behind the beautiful gardens that we so deeply cared for. We had planted trees for each of our boys, we had grown berry bushes and lilacs, we had developed a huge vegetable garden, tended to the plethora of peony bushes, and Ryan had given me a rose bush on each of our anniversaries in that house. We tried to transplant those 3 rose bushes, but none of them made it. 

Guess what surprised us in the front garden of our new home? Three beautiful rose bushes. 

Part of that song I loved says “Hope is springing up from this old ground / Out of chaos life is being found in You” 

How beautiful that He (who is our Hope) gave us a perfect visual of hope springing up from the ground because we chose to follow Him? And He simultaneously reminded me (I say mostly me in this case because I was the one most heartbroken about the rose bushes) that He sees me. He saw me as we dug up my rose bushes on that cold and dark November day, He saw me as I carefully tended to them over the  winter, and He saw me as my heart slowly gave up when there were no signs of life that following spring and summer. He saw me.

Walking in Faith

I don’t want to make this just a list of all the things (and people) God has so graciously blessed us with over this past year, because that’s not the point. But I will share just a couple more things that really reflect redemption. (I actually have a whole list in my phone of all the ‘little’ details we noticed God had orchestrated after we moved) 

1. I previously had a kitchen so old that it was (quite literally) falling apart, and I really was okay with that because I just loved having a big kitchen that I could maximize the use of. But it definitely needed a refresh to function better, and that never happened. To our surprise, God gave us a kitchen here that was so new it wasn’t even done when we moved in. It couldn’t have been “more new.” This brand new kitchen was not a necessary thing at all, but I see it as a gift of His lavish love. 
2. Our previous town was a “beach town” in every sense of the word, and we loved that. We spent most summer evenings walking down to the beach. We never imagined ever living in a beach town again, because how often does that happen? But after living here for a few weeks, we quickly learned that our new city is actually home to some of the most beautiful beaches in Canada. What an undeserved blessing. We have already had numerous beach days and beach nights without leaving this city. 

These gifts of grace don’t mean that life is all sunshine now. I don’t want to give that impression. There are still many hard moments and tears for all that we miss and all the “new” hard things. But what I have learned is that when we step out in (major) faith to walk in God’s will, He doesn’t leave us ‘without.’ 

When our third son was born (amidst our desert season) we gave him this verse: 

“…fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart. For consider what great things he has done for you.” 

1 Sam. 12:24 

Little did we know how much this would speak to our whole family over the following years. Remembering the incredible things that God has done for us, in every season, has been so impactful to our faith and has truly kept us going amidst the hardest moments. I'm truly thankful that I wrote so many things down, both in our desert season and in our "redemption" season. 

When we walk in God’s will, He will put to beautiful use the gifts that He has given us. 

When we are faithful to walk with God, we will be blessed (Galatians 3:9) 

When we put our whole trust in the Lord, we will soar. 

Those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint. 

Isaiah 40:31

I can transparently say that I hope we never experience such a dark season again; but I can also honestly say that I truly believe if (when) we must walk through another desert, God will be able to make it all beautiful for His glory. 

Because He never forsakes us.

He can create life from any level of chaos and any type of ground.

He sees us. 

Prayers from the Desert

I sat there in the dark bedroom, on the twin mattress wedged between the wall and the queen mattress that currently served as the boys’ bed. I waited for what was starting to seem like “too long.” Ryan had taken the phone call (the one we had been waiting for) and left the room since we were trying to get the boys to sleep. I prayed with them out loud while we waited for him to return. The prayer I said in my head was much more desperate and pleading than what left my mouth; but as I imagined the potential conversation happening downstairs I knew it was too long to be the ‘good’ one we were hoping for. My phone buzzed. I held my breath as I rocked our newborn in my arms and assured the bigger boys that Dad would be right back. I looked down at my phone to read the text I knew was coming “I didn’t get it.” My heart rate sped up and tears burned the back of my eyes, but I took a deep, shaky breath and carried on with bedtime. I texted a simple “okay, take your time. I’ll get them to sleep.” In the depths of my mind the crushing weight of defeat threatened to win. This was supposed to be it. This was supposed to be the end of a terrible, heart-wrenching road. What in the actual world was God doing to us? How did we even get here? 

Our Promised Land

It has now been 18 months since our life as we knew it fell apart. I don’t have a nice pretty bow to wrap our story up with, but I do have a very clear picture of God’s character and promises, and that’s what I would like to share with you. 

Almost six years ago, we thought we had arrived in our promised land, so to speak. We had been through a pretty deep valley, and then our Land of Milk and Honey came to us; it was a memorable gift to mark the end of a difficult season. As I scroll back through photos in my phone I’m reminded of this.  

There was a photo of Ryan working in our beautiful, luscious garden that spoke of dreams fulfilled. We had always talked of growing our own food but never had the space or proper soil. Honestly, there are countless “dreams fulfilled” photos. We hosted big family dinners, beautiful backyard birthday parties, we made meals from scratch and filled a pantry with personally canned goods. 

But as I scroll back through photos, there are also many pictures of pain. There’s a photo of my sons tackling my husband at bedtime: happiness filling the corners of all 3 faces. Behind the happiness in my husband’s face, though, is also deep exhaustion. He was working two full-time jobs for insufficient pay, with insufficient time; trying so hard to meet too many people’s expectations. The silly bedtime moment was more rare than any of us liked to admit. He wasn’t able to be truly present very often. 

This deep pain we tried to mask: we did it for the boys, of course, but maybe for ourselves too? This is just ministry life, we tell each other. This is just part of the calling. I was drowning in motherhood and wifehood, just barely keeping my head above the weight of the expectations on me. We were lonely. Who were we supposed to spend time with? We fought more than we ever had because we cared so deeply for one another. We both knew it was all too much - but how could we escape? 

God Our Rescuer 

Is all of that what God was saving us from? Maybe he was saving our family. Maybe he was saving Ryan from the pain that nearly broke him.

I’ll be honest. It took me a while to see it. God certainly didn’t feel like our rescuer at first. All of this? This feeling of being trapped, forced out of our “promised land,” and losing our sense of autonomy… it’s not much easier than it was before. These deeply crowded conditions… living with our parents when we’re supposed to be the parents? Bringing home our newborn to a home that wasn't our own? What was the point? It all felt impossible. 

Perhaps the point has been to remind us of our need to be rescued. Our sinful nature can’t always see it. We don’t always recognize our need for a Saviour. What a humbling reminder. The thing is, we weren’t asking for a way out, but did we ever need it. We later found out that we had been living in mold and our children were suffering with symptoms. What a miracle to see them healed and free of the troubles that had been tormenting them. And my sweet husband… he might not have made it much longer under such high stress. It didn’t feel like it at first, but we had been set free. 

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zeph 3:17

God, our Saviour, rescued us when we didn’t know we needed rescuing. 

God Our Hope & Provider 

“Okay, God, now that we’ve been rescued, can we have our life back?” I can’t recall how many times I prayed something along those lines; endlessly trying to send the message to Him that we got the point (!). We had never prayed so hard in our lives. Yes, in hindsight, that was probably part of the point.

We had done it all the proper way - seeking and trusting (trying to), worshipping and confiding, sharing, growing. We were waiting. Certainly waiting… and waiting... “We really do get it, God!” “We’ve learned patience!” Why do we need to keep waiting? Could we possibly become more patient? We’ve been grown, we’ve been stretched. We get it.

I think often of Jesus’ words: “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matt. 26:41b). Our human nature can be in such conflict. Four years ago, God had led us out of another difficult (although less so) season, and we actively tried to never let ourselves forget how He had answered our cries of desperation. He led us to “a land flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:8) just as He promised he would, and we marked that with physical reminders of His gracious gift. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know all we have is God’s; I know this is world not our eternal home. But then why does it hurt so much? Why has the loss of our home and community been so devastating? Why is it so deeply difficult to wait patiently for our next answered prayer? What good could possibly come from this season of extended waiting? 

And then, God seems to say, let Me show you what good can come. 

In our waiting, my husband was offered a really good paying job doing something he enjoyed. He was able to witness to other men, he prayed, he worshipped, he sought God’s guidance, and he made a difference. We praised God for this great interim opportunity.

And then just it was given, it was taken away. What’s that passage? “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21).

Words were lost on me for a time. I was so incredibly upset with my God (who I knew was supposed to be good) but I was also so emotionally drained that I almost didn't have the energy to care. Ugh. Just why, God?! What else could go wrong?

Well, the very day that Ryan’s seasonal lay off started - he had a new job. One job ended, and another dropped right into his hands. By the true grace of God, a new friend’s husband offered to hire Ryan for the exact day he was laid off. This family became so dear to us. They are some of our biggest prayer warriors and have endlessly welcomed us with open arms, into their hearts and their home, during a time when we had such little (really, nothing) to offer in return. 

God knew we needed more than just a job to pay the bills. He provided for our hearts, too. 

God Is Truly Good

In our many visits and conversations, play-dates and pizza nights with these friends, that’s when it hit me: we have to live in this waiting season. 

We realized that it’s possible walk through the fire with joy. Maybe our walk would even reveal God's presence to other people. In Daniel chapter 3, the only time that the fourth man (God's presence) was seen by the King was in the fire! But, as my dad wisely reminded me one morning, in order for that to be the case we would need to truly live. 

At first, I had avoided doing anything too meaningful in this desert season because I was afraid that the second we started enjoying ourselves again God would rip it all away. There were just so many layers of hurt and disappointment and overwhelm. But I had to decide to embrace our now. It’s not the now I wanted, but it’s the now we were given. 

So we made plans, we joined our friends, we signed up for activities, and we accepted invitations. What wonderful memories we have made since then. 

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! 

Psalm 27:13

I've lost track of the number of times I have written and recited that verse over the last 18 months. I couldn’t see God’s plans for us, I couldn’t understand what He was doing. I yelled at Him, I sobbed, and at times I wanted to give up on everything. But at the end of it all, I know He is always good. I know His goodness never changes. 

This is why it’s so important to memorize the truths of God’s character, the truths found in His word, because when all else fails (and I mean literally everything) His word remains. They remain in us even when we think we will forget and when our human hope is lost. 

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword.

Hebrews 4:12

His word rang in my mind. His word appeared in places I least expected it. His word said that we would see His goodness, and we did. We lived, truly lived, in His grace, and His goodness found us there. 

The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.

Psalm 145:9 

God is Faithful 

As we walked the road of life, God was faithful. I began to keep a note in my phone of all the ways He was using His people to care for us. 

Over the past year we have had people providing their time and hands with packing and unpacking, people blessing us with grocery deliveries, grocery gift cards (once from a stranger at our door on Christmas Day), funding to cover therapy, friends covering our family Christmas gifts, sending us new bed sheets and clothes, someone at a Costco check-out paying for our items, an anonymous cheque to cover car maintenance, and endless invitations to use others’ homes as places of rest. 

It was miraculous and beautiful to see God use His people in their own journeys of faithfulness. 

And as we continued to wait, this time while living, our prayer was that God would make His next path for us very clear. For example, I suggested a pigeon carrying a letter that drops right into our laps. Maybe some words painted across the sky? :) 

And God, in His faithfulness, did just that. 

Well, not exactly, but almost. One day we had our plan in mind (where we thought He was leading) and the next day He closed that door. Tight. Instead, He presented an opportunity we didn’t think possible. 

This road was not at all what we thought it would be.  This path would be terrifying and uncomfortable and nothing that we had ever imagined, but God kept reminding us of His faithfulness. He left no question unanswered, He provided (in abundance) at each step along the way. He kept affirming that we need to walk this path. He promised that His plans are nothing but good (Romans 8:28). He reminded us often that He is a God of peace (1 Cor. 14:33). 

God is Gracious

The timing of this clear direction was unexpected. I was actually convinced that our “springtime” would come in spring of 2023. That certainly would have been a long enough winter season, right? We thought we would be in limbo for around four months, so then the spring of 2023 would be the perfect time to bring it all together…new life, fresh starts… right, God? 

Well, it was actually an entire year later. The spring of 2024; the first weekend in April, to be exact - almost immediately after life had burst through the coldest and darkest time of the year. 

Our springtime came through the warmth, encouragement, and hope provided by an under-rated town in northern Ontario. 

Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. 

Nothing is too hard for you. 

Jeremiah 32:17

We hadn’t wanted to walk this road originally; but that’s where God’s grace came in. We prayed for wisdom and clarity, and He gave us just that. He closed and opened doors exactly where He saw fit. He gave us another chance. He led us beyond a doubt. Our questions were answered, a home was provided, Ryan’s gifts were affirmed and encouraged. We both felt seen, heard, and appreciated. It was more than we thought possible. I should have known, shouldn’t I? There is nothing too hard for our God to accomplish. 

 For nothing will be impossible with God.

Luke 1:37

Epilogue

So I could say, now, that He brought us to our promised land again. He has certainly provided more than we dreamed and  answered our prayers in abundance. But here’s what I’ve learned:

Our God is the promised land. 

His presence, His goodness, His will. That’s where we want to be. Where He is - and, in turn, where He wants us to be - is where questions are answered, pieces begin to fit together, and life begins. 

In His presence there is fullness of joy. There is joy despite the pain, joy despite the hardship. There is true contentment. 

“…I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 

Philippians 4:11b-12 

In the desert or in the land of milk and honey, my prayer is that people would see the reason I can sing: only and always because of the faithfulness of Christ in me. 

-kj❀

The Land of Milk and Honey

I had finally ordered return address stickers. There are always great deals on them around Christmastime, so last Christmas I did it. They said “The Smith Family” followed by our home address, with a cute little gold heart off to the side. I had wanted to order these stickers for years, but we never had a permanent home. We’ve rented a total of six apartments over our seven years being married, for a variety of unexpected reasons, and never really knew where we might be in future years. So hundreds of return address stickers didn’t make sense in the past. But this red brick house with the big front porch? Our home. Maybe not for truly “forever,” but certainly for the foreseeable future. Hundreds of return address stickers could finally be used and I was so excited to get to stick them on all kinds of happy mail. 

See, I guess that’s the thing though - what is the foreseeable future?

In Exodus, God explains to Moses that He will rescue His people from their suffering in Egypt and bring them to the Promised Land. He describes it as “a land flowing with milk and honey.” (3:8). It would be a good, spacious, fruitful land. It would be pleasant, beautiful, and allow the people to prosper both agriculturally and economically. 

This house was our “land of milk and honey.” We followed God’s leading to move pretty far from all we had ever known, and it was really hard for a while. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, we were given this home. Our red brick ‘almost-forever’ home. With a bedroom for each of our three babies, a kitchen for me to spend hours in, a dining room to host dinners and teach math lessons in, a mudroom to collect the dirt that two boys and a fluffy dog inevitably track inside. A basement to send kids down to play in. A backyard to host birthday parties and youth group campfires and go on nature scavenger hunts. Our very own laundry room - which we had never had in six (almost seven) years married. When this house fell into our hands as a gift from the Lord, we bought a sign that says “I will bring you to a land flowing with milk and honey.” It’s our Joshua stone. Our faith marker - God provided, as He always does, when there seemed to be no other way. We accepted with open hands, never failing to remind ourselves (and many others) of the immense blessing of this home. Never taking for granted what God had done, and trying to be as generous as we could be with the space that we were given.

We had lots of exciting ideas. Ryan had planned to make a backyard ice rink for this upcoming winter. We dreamed of teaching the boys to skate, and hosting more backyard-youth fun. We had started prepping our giant vegetable garden for next year’s planting. We were excited to watch our balsam fir tree hedge grow to become taller than the boys. Ryan had measured for a gate to the yard. Is that the foreseeable future? We thought so. 

______________________________

“The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away” (Job 1:21).

“...plans to prosper you and not to harm you...” (Jeremiah 29:11).

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:6). 

“God is not a God of confusion but a God of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33). 

I’ve shared these words with others countless times. But how do you walk these out in your own life when your heart is shattered? How do you explain these things to two little boys who have just recently started to really love and build relationships with their little friends? Who know their way around town, who love “our park” and “our lake” and the only hardware store in town? They love the room that they share. 

Those hundreds of address stickers won’t be used. My boys won’t be able to build a treehouse in our back forest. We won’t be hosting any more youth in our yard or expanding our garden or walking down to the beach for icecream in the summer. We won’t be bringing our third baby home to the little nursery we painted. 

Why? I really have no idea. I know that God knows why, but that doesn’t feel as comforting as I wish it did right now. Leaving a job is obviously brutal, but losing a home, town, and community that you’ve grown to love and put down roots in is a kind of heartbreak that I’ve never experienced before.

___________________________________

I didn’t realize how familiar the words had become. When somebody asks for our address, I rattle off “76 Colborne, red brick house with a big front porch directly beside Trentside Baptist.” I love those words, I love being able to define our home in this way. I love being able to share that my husband is a pastor at the “church in town.” 

There are so many small things that have easily become such a regular part of our life, and it’s painful to let them go. It’s unnatural to pry ourselves away from the familiarities and comforts of our home and community.

But here’s what I still know:

God will never let us go. He will never let us down. Nobody can snatch us from his hand. I don’t believe that all terribly painful situations are straight from the Lord, but I do believe that when we love Him and serve Him, we are bound by the promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

God has good plans for us - plans to use the incredible giftings that He has so evidently equipped my husband with. There is no doubt that he was made to teach God’s word and shepherd His people. And I know this involves plans for the rest of our family to be able to serve, too. We were made to love and serve. 

God promises us rest. He says that we can come to him when we are weary and heavy-laden, and he will give us rest. His word tells us that he will carry us on wings like eagles. We will use this challenging time to rest in Him; in His promises, and in His truth. 

Our current season of ministry is finishing, and I trust that God knows why. In time, I know we will see it too. We have grown and been challenged - refined by fire. And now there is something ahead that will allow our family to continue to, and many even better, shine His glory. 

“Now for a little while you may have to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold, which though perishable is tested by fire, may redound to praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 

1 Peter 1:6-7 

-kj❀