In the weeks since our wedding, I have talked to more people than I actually even know. At some points I have felt like Ryan and I attracted a crowd of fans who are dedicated to following our married life and squeezing out every detail we have to offer. It's definitely a self-esteem booster and great to know so many people are 'for' us. Sometimes, though, it's exhausting.

Obviously, most people want to know how we're doing - how married life is, how we're adjusting to being "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," and how our honeymoon was. I think people expect us to say things like: wonderful, amazing, perfect, great, or dream-like, and then gaze at each other with heart-shaped eyes. Some people have even looked at us, tilted their heads with a little smile and said "Oh, the honeymoon stage..." (okay actually, person-I-just-met, I don't even like this strange man right now because he didn't fill up the water jug). They're totally not expecting us to say that so far our marriage has been busy, stressful, hectic, messy, and exhausting. But in reality those are the only answers we've been able to give.

There is a lot that I saw coming in our married life. I anticipated the business and the long work/school days. I knew Ryan would be gone one night every week, and he knew I wouldn't always be home for dinner. In my mind (and in his), this would all be okay because 6/7 nights we would be home together and able to have the quality time we both need. And no matter what, we would always start our days together - with coffee and Jesus.

What I didn't anticipate was that sometimes that wouldn't be enough. If that one hour in the evening is reserved for 'us' then when do the dishes get done? When do lunches get made? When do we go over our budget and discuss bills? And what about the laundry, the salt-stained floor, and the garbage? Oh yeah, and we both have mountains of homework. You're probably staring at this post and wanting to tell me, "Do those things together!" and I understand why! That was my original plan too. But after working for six hours and being in school for three hours and not having a single break, who feels like doing more work?! And what happens when something minimal causes a fight that takes up our only hour together?

So this is our married-working-student struggle - the struggle that began exactly fifty-eight hours after we were pronounced husband and wife. Our married life didn't start with sunshine and sandy seas and star-gazed moments. It began with us falling asleep on the couch from exhaustion and waking up to pack lunches for our Monday obligations. It began with forgetting about our laundry, running out of bread, and having meaningless arguments about how to arrange dirty dishes in the sink.

There are a number of lessons I have been learning in the past three weeks - about myself, about Ryan, about relationships and love and God and life - and I want to share two really important ones.

The first of these is that the Honeymoon Phase is not always a thing. To be entirely honest, it was a little discouraging when two days into our marriage I wasn't feeling like all 'honeymoon-ey' like I thought I was supposed to. I've since realized that it's not necessarily 'supposed' to be like this. The beginning of marriage comes with a lot of adjustment and change (for everyone, not just us), so it's normal to feel overwhelmed, busy, and agitated. One of my friends said that for her and her husband, the 'honeymoon phase' came much later into their marriage. This whole idea is something that nobody ever told me, and something I wish I had understood before (although I understand why nobody told me because who really wants to be the one to burst the excitement-bubble?). The good news is that these exhausting and challenging first few weeks have led us to really work on encouraging each other, and I know we will be thankful to have become expert-encouragers.

The second is that, despite the business and change, God wants us to find joy in this season. Ryan and I decided to read through Ecclesiastes together, so we do this every morning that we are both home together. The book actually really started to frustrate me when, after four chapters, everything sounded the exact same. I felt like all I was reading was "Toiling under the sun is meaningless" and I really didn't like it (like yeah, wise-unknown-writer, I know our home is in heaven, but right now we're here and we have to work to live!) On the morning of the sixth chapter Ryan asked what stood out to me and I said, "The same thing that has stood out the last six times!" and then started ranting about how repetitive and frustrating the whole book is. But thankfully Ryan had patience with me and shared some wisdom. He pointed out that a) the Bible isn't always meant to make me feel good (ok, yep... thank you for humbling me, husband) and b) if something is repeated then it's something that God finds really important. God clearly wants me (us) to be grateful for the work I have been provided with (as busy as it may make me), to work hard since I am able to, and to find joy in each moment of work I have.


So all in all: God is good, life is busy, and marriage is wonderful because it's a forever-adventure with my best friend.

What more could I ask for?!


-kj❀


Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 

Everything I Thought I'd Be: A Letter To My Future Husband On The Night Before Our Wedding

Dear Future Husband,

I started writing these letters to you ten years ago. I was in my basement with a bunch of my girlfriends, and we decided that night to promise ourselves to our future husbands. Some of us kept the promise, some of us didn't. But either way, that's when it began for me - my love for you, that is. From that moment on I dreamed about you. I dreamed about your perfection, your protection, your personality and your purity. I dreamed about myself too. I dreamed about everything you would make me - about how I would become a hospitable wife, be full of grace and have meals on the table every night. I dreamed about the way you would always think of me and show me you love me, even when I was an emotional (yet still somehow beautiful) mess.

I've since realized that no man is perfect in every way, and that's actually okay with me. I've realized that you need encouragement and support, that you are going to mess up, and that I need to give you second, third, and fourth chances. I'm okay with it all.

But, future husband, I'm not perfect either. Oh, how I wish I was. How I wish I wasn't an emotional rollercoaster, that I cared a little more about my hair, and that I had an unlimited supply of energy for each day. How I wish I was never angered, that I would always put you first, and that I never forgot to lift you up.

See, I didn't only imagine you were the ideal husband. I imagined I would be the ideal wife. I imagined we would have an ideal marriage, an ideal life. But, my love, we need to remember that we cannot expect perfection - because neither of us can achieve that. Neither of us can make the other perfect.

This has been hard for me, being a perfectionist and all. Sometimes - actually most times - I think I can make things work my way. If I just communicated a little better, tried a little harder, loved a little more... then it would all be perfect. What I've learned is that I'm lying to myself when I say that. Neither of us will ever be Jesus, and He is the only one who is perfect.

So, on this night before forever, I am praying that we will release ourselves from the burden of expectations. I am praying that we will not expect perfection from each other, but that we will show patience and kindness. And I am praying that we never forget how blessed we are, with more than we could ever ask for. Where we are lacking in an ideal marriage, we will be always abounding in Real Grace - and that is more than I could ever hope for.

I'm really nervous about starting our new life together. But I'm also really excited. We are going to be a wonderful team, and I am confident in God's perfect plan for us.

See you tomorrow, future husband. I can't wait to be your wife.


-kj❀