A couple days ago I filled out a survey that they had asked their followers to complete, and one of the questions was "What is one thing you wish you knew before you got married?" Without a second thought, I wrote:
"I wish I knew that it was okay to fight."
Backtrack a few months: I was seriously asking myself why I ever thought marriage was a good idea. I was telling myself that based on the number of conflicts Ryan and I had, I just wasn't cut out for it. We obviously couldn't handle the seriousness of the commitment, and everybody was right. We were too young.
Thankfully, Jesus has a good hold on my heart and I quickly remembered to cast these lies out of my head. But either way, I wish somebody had told me about the conflicts we would have, before we got married. Not just that they would happen, but that when they did, it would be normal and okay and not the end of the world.
We were told a lot of things before our wedding day. That marriage would be hard. That we would have a lot going on. We would be busy, we would have to find balance, and we would probably fight over ridiculous things - like toothpaste and toilet paper and who should do the dishes. But I don't remember being told about the big fights. The ones that make it seem like the world is ending and that you might need to to run out the front door. (Just as a note, Ryan and I are okay. We're not considering ending our marriage. At all. Ever. And neither of us are on the verge of a breakdown.)
The problem is that I thought we were at the end of our collective rope because I thought that conflicts (other than toiletry-related disagreements) were abnormal.
I'm realizing now that conflict is inevitable. We are two different people, trying to learn to live as one in a broken world. We are also young people, still trying to discover who we are individually as well as who we are together; and that is both the advantage and the detriment of marrying young. Trying to find a rhythm with someone else when you are also trying to find your own is not impossible, but definitely not easy.
Miscommunication, finances, hurt feelings, exhaustion, loneliness, and the list goes on. There are so many things working against the romance we try to create as a husband and wife. It is not beyond me anymore why the 50% divorce rate is a reality. It is not beyond me why so many spouses turn to things other than their spouse's love, or The Love.
I have learned that the conflict is not where it has to end. Sometimes it does, but it's the moments following the conflict that determine that. It's about where we go from here. What can we learn from the disagreement we just had? What do I need to work on, and how can I help him? What do I need to change? It's not only about what he needs to change (I will be working on this one for a while - trust me).
Just like any beautiful rhythm, romance takes practice. It takes learning: learning about the strengths and weaknesses that your compliment brings, learning where you should press forward and where you should let go, where you should speed up and where you should step back. At first you will make mistakes, and you might miss a beat here and there, but eventually it will become natural, familiar, and ever-beautiful as you learn to dance with your perfect harmony holding your hand.
