The Myth Of The Honeymoon Phase

In the weeks since our wedding, I have talked to more people than I actually even know. At some points I have felt like Ryan and I attracted a crowd of fans who are dedicated to following our married life and squeezing out every detail we have to offer. It's definitely a self-esteem booster and great to know so many people are 'for' us. Sometimes, though, it's exhausting.

Obviously, most people want to know how we're doing - how married life is, how we're adjusting to being "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," and how our honeymoon was. I think people expect us to say things like: wonderful, amazing, perfect, great, or dream-like, and then gaze at each other with heart-shaped eyes. Some people have even looked at us, tilted their heads with a little smile and said "Oh, the honeymoon stage..." (okay actually, person-I-just-met, I don't even like this strange man right now because he didn't fill up the water jug). They're totally not expecting us to say that so far our marriage has been busy, stressful, hectic, messy, and exhausting. But in reality those are the only answers we've been able to give.

There is a lot that I saw coming in our married life. I anticipated the business and the long work/school days. I knew Ryan would be gone one night every week, and he knew I wouldn't always be home for dinner. In my mind (and in his), this would all be okay because 6/7 nights we would be home together and able to have the quality time we both need. And no matter what, we would always start our days together - with coffee and Jesus.

What I didn't anticipate was that sometimes that wouldn't be enough. If that one hour in the evening is reserved for 'us' then when do the dishes get done? When do lunches get made? When do we go over our budget and discuss bills? And what about the laundry, the salt-stained floor, and the garbage? Oh yeah, and we both have mountains of homework. You're probably staring at this post and wanting to tell me, "Do those things together!" and I understand why! That was my original plan too. But after working for six hours and being in school for three hours and not having a single break, who feels like doing more work?! And what happens when something minimal causes a fight that takes up our only hour together?

So this is our married-working-student struggle - the struggle that began exactly fifty-eight hours after we were pronounced husband and wife. Our married life didn't start with sunshine and sandy seas and star-gazed moments. It began with us falling asleep on the couch from exhaustion and waking up to pack lunches for our Monday obligations. It began with forgetting about our laundry, running out of bread, and having meaningless arguments about how to arrange dirty dishes in the sink.

There are a number of lessons I have been learning in the past three weeks - about myself, about Ryan, about relationships and love and God and life - and I want to share two really important ones.

The first of these is that the Honeymoon Phase is not always a thing. To be entirely honest, it was a little discouraging when two days into our marriage I wasn't feeling like all 'honeymoon-ey' like I thought I was supposed to. I've since realized that it's not necessarily 'supposed' to be like this. The beginning of marriage comes with a lot of adjustment and change (for everyone, not just us), so it's normal to feel overwhelmed, busy, and agitated. One of my friends said that for her and her husband, the 'honeymoon phase' came much later into their marriage. This whole idea is something that nobody ever told me, and something I wish I had understood before (although I understand why nobody told me because who really wants to be the one to burst the excitement-bubble?). The good news is that these exhausting and challenging first few weeks have led us to really work on encouraging each other, and I know we will be thankful to have become expert-encouragers.

The second is that, despite the business and change, God wants us to find joy in this season. Ryan and I decided to read through Ecclesiastes together, so we do this every morning that we are both home together. The book actually really started to frustrate me when, after four chapters, everything sounded the exact same. I felt like all I was reading was "Toiling under the sun is meaningless" and I really didn't like it (like yeah, wise-unknown-writer, I know our home is in heaven, but right now we're here and we have to work to live!) On the morning of the sixth chapter Ryan asked what stood out to me and I said, "The same thing that has stood out the last six times!" and then started ranting about how repetitive and frustrating the whole book is. But thankfully Ryan had patience with me and shared some wisdom. He pointed out that a) the Bible isn't always meant to make me feel good (ok, yep... thank you for humbling me, husband) and b) if something is repeated then it's something that God finds really important. God clearly wants me (us) to be grateful for the work I have been provided with (as busy as it may make me), to work hard since I am able to, and to find joy in each moment of work I have.


So all in all: God is good, life is busy, and marriage is wonderful because it's a forever-adventure with my best friend.

What more could I ask for?!


-kj❀


Ecclesiastes 9:7-10