1. The office job that I thought would be a relaxing change of pace from chasing after children turned out to be exponentially more exhausting than any other job I have had.
2. Despite taking only three classes and working partly from home, I had way less free time than ever before.
3. Even though Ryan transferred to a school that is one hour closer to home, I saw him only two evenings (and no days) of the week.
4. Moving to a bigger apartment did not end up being better than living in a bachelor-sized apartment with a 40lb dog
5. I unexpectedly and unintentionally acquired the title of President.
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There are different types of 'tired.' There's the type of tired that comes from being worn out by the natural activities of a day, but with this type of tired you have enough energy to talk to your family and have a shower and cuddle up on the couch to maybe watch a tv show or have a cup of tea. Maybe you won't feel like doing any studying or paper writing, but that's okay because you can save it for the next day.
Then there's a type of tired where you pull into your driveway and can barely get yourself to climb out of the car to walk to the front door. And when you get to the front door you drop your bag and slide down onto the rug and lean your head back, all the while trying to gather the energy to think about a plan for dinner. And then once you have that plan, you have to force yourself to stand up and walk to the fridge... and you just keep pushing your heavy legs and willing your eyes to stay open until you can finally fall into bed without showering because who has energy for that anyways?
The first type of tired comes from a day that you enjoyed. A day that was tiring but involved you doing something that you loved. So you can smile and think about the difference you are making in the world, and for the most part, you feel rested and at peace. The second type of tired comes from a day where you had to do things that seemed to make no impact and did not come naturally to you. A day that was stress-filled and involved conversations that don't bring you any closer to where you want to be. A day that was too busy and too full of things that you are not passionate about.
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Balance, and saying no, are essential to any healthy lifestyle. For the year and a half (almost) that we have been married, Ryan and I have struggled to find a work/school/social/marriage/life balance, and I'm sure that this will be an ongoing struggle for a while. Nevertheless, there is a lot that we learned this year - about balancing out responsibilities for each other, about each of us allowing the other to have our 'own' time, even if it means less time together. And the importance of both personal and together devotion time. We also learned that we can't keep giving of ourselves when we empty. There are times when we also need to be poured into.
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Sometimes you have to make choices that won't please everyone, and you have to learn to be okay with that. The deeper into 'adulthood' that I get, the more I realize that it is not my job to make everyone happy. It's my job to do what is right. Integrity has been a huge theme in my life this year - being able to separate friendship from work, doing my absolute best to avoid destructive conversations, not making decisions based on other people's desires, differentiating right from wrong (in really tough situations) and ultimately choosing what is right.
I found in my teenage years that although I wanted to be independent of my parents, I really did rely on them when in came down to 'ethical dilemmas' and tough choices. They were always just a quick text or call away, and willingly provided their insight without giving me an unhealthy amount of guidance. However, there were times this year when it became suddenly clear that there's not always 'quick and thoughtful insight' around the corner. It's not always possible for someone older and wiser to provide the guidance you need. Sometimes it's just up to you alone to make your own choice.
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And that brings me to my last lesson.
In everything, from one of Ryan's classes in school (that's lessons were regularly brought home to me;) ), to a series on doctrine that we read through in small group at church, to sermons that were taught, conversations that were had, and my personal devotion reading - God has been ingraining in me an important understanding of the Holy Spirit. And that's not a coincidence. In a year saturated with battles of peace, integrity, strength, and patience, He was teaching me about the inner Peace, Strength, Integrity and Patience that's inside me - that I can claim as my own.
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It's clear that the position(and then positions) I held this year will not be what I continue to do for the rest of my life. Although I don't think I'm at all incapable, I didn't feel at peace and energized and joyful in these roles.
God is not a God of confusion...
I was talking to a friend the other day about determining what is from God and what is not from God. Although the situations themselves may not have been from God, the lessons I learned from this year were absolutely from Him. The things he taught me could not have been learned anywhere else.
I know that I was able to use many of my strengths in the job I had this year, but I also know that God has plans for me to use my gifts in different and more fitting ways.
The place Ryan and I are living has been an environment that we needed to bring us closer, and ultimately it has provided all that we needed to get through this year. We have been reminded that we are blessed beyond measure, and undeserving of all that we have been given. Despite the struggles, we are thankful and will use our place in life right now for His glory.
We now know that it takes an emptying of all energy and strength so that we can be refilled with love, wisdom, and grace that is much deeper and stronger than before.
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